July 30, 2005
我想说的是...也许，
人生就是静悄悄地把你带到一个地方，让你在那儿细细地品尝它。然后，再把你悄悄地移走，正当你有所体会的时候。
也许，
在每一站，每一个暂时停靠的地方，它其实是要撮合一些微妙的缘分，人与人之间的缘分。没有什么别的目的，没有‘为什么’；只是很简单的，只是想让你和某一个‘他’或‘她’认识。它就算是完成了这一阶段的任务。接下来，缘分怎么再伸延，怎么再结束，也是宿命中的安排。宿命论者也不一定是消极的，和悲观
者应该有所差异。前者只是有点无可奈何地接受，后者则是把一切想得最坏，然后才无可奈何地接受。
我倒觉得，
宿命一点，心情反尔宽阔一点。因为没有那份盲目的执着，没有被那些对人生所有的不解困扰着，也不需要刻意去安排短暂生命的点点滴滴。我喜欢的宿命论是那种‘既来之，则安之’的，有一点的Zen。
尽管人生种种的意外，和突如其来的变化，我仍然觉得怡然自得。只是因为活着，是为了到达下一个人生把我静悄悄地带到的地方，和那些将会和自己结缘的人。
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:45
Take a bow, facing in.I guess the performance wasn't that great. No matter what the performer herself thinks, it's the audience that gives the ovation. The audience who forms the tip of the triangle, the tip of the iceberg.
Unjustified, unbalanced. Nevertheless, staying put... at least for another half year.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:10
July 27, 2005
Wanted: A good chat over some good food.Last week, Sha and I were talking. Small talk. She mentioned that we haven't been talking to each other a lot, compared to last year. She said she really misses our chats (and gossip). She said she really wanted to find a time to have a good chat with me.
I was seriously moved. I've always got along very well with Sha since we were in the same batch of TAs at work. And yes, we talked so much more last year, working with the same group of children and with the same teacher. And the school's staff population was much smaller then.
I miss it too. Having some good laughs and good chat and juicy gossip (which I would then act ignorant and nonchalant about) with a few of my 'oldest' colleagues, like Sha and Nis. It's just a bit more difficult when we are in different tracks and seated 3 aisles away from one another. Then again, I do visit her aisle often... cos Ah Girl is in the same aisle. But, Sha and Nis, for some reason, can hardly be found at their workdesks. They are usually upstairs in their classrooms, working. These are genuinely concerned and competent and compassionate people, invested in making a difference in the lives of kids they work with. I wonder if they know this is how I think of them...
I wonder if it isn't time to prepare for Teacher's Day now... I've lotsa teachers at work. = )
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:46
So I smiled and he smiled and that was the end.Totally unexpected. The first thing that came to mind, me being the very logical me, was 'This bus goes to AMK. What would he be doing on this bus?'
Then, I took a second look. I'm sure he saw me. I smiled, mouthed a 'hi' and he smiled back, though it really looked more like a half-smile-half-nod. And we both looked away, in opposite direction.
I told her the encounter. She reacted with surprise and excitment. I don't understand what was so exciting. If I saw her, my reaction would probably be 'oh, is it? where?', take a glance and then, look away. My typically cool response.
I didn't let go of her hand. But I noticed that she did. I took it again and held it. I wouldn't have let go. Why should I?
He alighted before me. Can't remember where... and our paths didn't cross, need not cross again. I like that affirmation.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:39
So randomFVB replied to an email circulating among the SBC these few days. FVB's England is way too powderful for us to understand. I can tell from the way she wrote her email that her thoughts were disorganised, she was struggling to make coherent sentences (she penned off at 3.01am, of cos she's incoherent, as always!) and she can't count. 3 S-club, 1 B and 1 Andro... that makes 5 persons. Last I counted, SBC consists only 4 isn't it? 'Assoc members' not included.
But, it was very good to see emails initiated by our BB, and promptly replied-to-all by the rest of the Bches.
xxx
I shifted two of my weekday tuition to weekend mornings. It's one of the smarter decisions I made this year. Because that means, I would have more opportunities to go home for dinner (which is way better for my delicate digestion system) and less dread for each day. Typically, a day with tuition after work meant I worked from 7am to 10pm. At least, now I can snatch that 2 hours in between to come home, shower and have dinner. Nice.
xxx
Anna messaged yesterday to ask how have I been and that it's been a long time since we both really talked. I was a bit surprised that she thought that way. Honestly, I have not been 'really talking' to many friends. I must say that I sometimes, only sometimes, reproached myself for not making the effort. However, most of the time, I sigh with regret that there are only 24 hours in a day. hee...
However, I must say that I'm really surprised by her sms and I am resolving (yes... yet another one of my resolutions) to meet up with her for a good chat before we celebrate National Day.
Oh ya? hee.. ya...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:27
July 23, 2005
Here is why.They call the upper bony part of the nose a 'bridge'. I wonder why.
Maybe it's cos when we kiss another person, on the lips, the nose is the only obstacle in the 'pucker'. Hence, the need for a bridge.
Maybe it's cos when we place our face close enough to another person's and look into the person's eyes, we can't actually see clearly cos of the close proximity. However, at the same time, through another person's eyes, we see the person's world, a world likely to be different from ours. And we continue to be amazed and charmed, absolutely drawn into that world. Our nose touches the other person's and with that contact, two worlds are 'bridged'.
I like looking into your world, from a nose distance.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:46
July 18, 2005
How can you tell?I got back from Bangkok. A trip of trials and tribulations. Right from the beginning, it was a misfortune that my sisters forgot to pack my passport along with theirs even though it was put right next to theirs. For someone as careful as my mum, it's still puzzling how she gave birth to 2 sotongs... and one stingray.
They had to check in first and then, get our cousin to pick me up from my work (where I was still recovering from being baffled why some colleagues came congratulating that the library launch was lovely when I think I burst the budget and would probably get hell from my VP once she comes back to work tomorrow). So, I reached the airport and realised to my utmost second shock (the first being having burst about 10 balloons earlier in the morning because I had extras from the decor) that I was flying to Bangkok without my passport. Valuair has this special promo thing that allows their passenger to travel without passport and only need to produce I.C. Ya, right!
Because of me, ahem, the flight was delayed for half an hour. We reached Bangkok on time! The pilot was amazing, I must say. Or maybe it's how their idea of in-flight entertainment consisted of their air crew serenading us with their sweet vocals. Most of us were so charmed we forgot to unfasten our seatbelt even after the warning sign went off.
Bangkok was super nice. It's shopping paradise except that it was raining terribly heavily the whole of the 3 days that I was there. We did have some transitions though. That was when quick buying trips were executed with brutal disregard for the bank account. Shoes, bags, clothes, fashion, accessories, dried foodstuff, what my mum calls 'cute but buy for what?' stuff... It's shopper's paradise. The less affluent shoppers. They called their duty free 'King Power'. Little wonder why when S$1 can buy 23 Baht.
As soon as I was about to raise my legs up and bask in the fresh scent of all those imitation Prada and Gucci bags around me, the call for nature came knocking. Knocking really hard. And boy, not just once, and not just me. How do you spell die-ri-ear? Dierhioer? Shit. Erm, forgive the pun. I meant, we all had food poisoning. Probably no thanks to the fried worms and fried crickets my sis (the older, weirder one) introduced us to. Really, I should have known better. The least we should have asked was where and how did they catch the worms and crickets.
Sunday came. We flew back. We missed one of our luggages. The one with all the newbuys. The luggage was not locked. Why? 'Cos we deemed dirty laundry more important and valuable than all those imitations goods. At least, they were genuine Giordano T-shirts and U2 pants inside. Life taught me about contentment with such shitty events.
How was my holiday? Fantastic.
~~ None of the above happened. Erm, OK, some did but definitely not all. I was just getting abit bored waiting for Ah girl in the staff room, waiting for our dinner time to dawn after the parents meeting that she had to attend. I didn't want to settle on the truth about my trip - it was utmostly typical, but oh-so-shiok with all the shopping! Ahh, at least that bit was true. I didn't want to come across as a bimbo who would gush over her buys in the Land of Smiles. Jeezzz... now I don't know which is worse... a bimbo or a fat liar... ~~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:37
July 14, 2005
Ticket to Indulgence... costs 25 bucks. Can claim in full somemore! That's medical benefits.
xxx
Party poppers, helium balloons and confetti horns.The school library will be launched tomorrow. By hook or by crook, it has to. I say, more by crook. Thila said I've worked so hard for it, I must show up. Even if she has to send me back immediately after that (lest I die of fatigue), I have to go.
I'm thinking, of course I will go. Not cos I worked so hard for it. If it's cos I worked so hard, I wouldn't want to see how it all ends up. It might get a bit depressing. I will go because I don't want to screw up more than I already have. Somehow, I feel I have let some expectations down with this project. I don't know whose. It didn't exactly go as smoothly as I had wanted it to be. Probably cos there are really only 24 hours in a day. And, somehow, there seems to be a lot of dead corners during the course of this project. Or was it because there were too many meetings where my idea and others' idea didn't coincide? Or was it because it was, I felt, getting too much attention? Maybe it's just because I'm less capable of pulling this off than I thought.
Whatever the case, I will be in school tmr. To close my eyes and breathe that big long-awaited sigh of relief when the launch ends. I will be off to Bangkok. And then, take a deep breath before I move to my next long-hanging project - The Discovery Hub.
Just the thought of it... SIGH!
xxx
Initial D and dinner at home. The two best things that happened out of the blue this week. So good to have shared them with you!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:21
July 11, 2005
She said she's nice.For all the following:-
~ getting the numbers for u for the balloony stuff... doing the nat geo stuff...
~ racking my brains for the poems...
~ squeezing ur hands
~ giving u massages
~ giving u hand massages
~ learning my jukebox of 10 songs and heng bu yao lian de chang gei ni ting
~ surprising u... with whatever i had up my sleeves
~ and making things for u... even though i know it's no longer a surprise for u
~ me not minding when ur laughing at me.. esp when u dun share the joke
I was expecting more. Cos I think there are more. But, for the above, I absolutely agree that you are nice. Never said you are not.
I told you the dang shi ren can't defend herself right? But, whatever she said will be used in court. This is court. heh...
Objections, anyone?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:41
What does this smile mean?I like to imagine that if one day, I see him on the streets and had no choice but to acknowledge that our eyes met, I would smile at him. The sort of smile that says, 'hi' and stops at that.
Because, I really don't think there's anything else to say. He's still in my thought, a part of my past. But, it's that far far away part that I can remember but yet not dwell in.
When we last said 'Bye', I wanted it to be the best for us. I still think it is. That's all there is left to it. A smile that says only 'Hi'.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:17
July 10, 2005
He's not going to make it.Bblics caught the attention of one of the waiters at Sakae Sushi, where we were having dinner. He asked another colleague to come over to our table and asked her for her number. Coincidentally, it happened just at a time when I was telling Wenn that she should really meet more people and send some of her potential candidates to her personal trainer so as to increase their chances of holding the prize's hands.
Anyway, this colleague came over... and...
Me thinks, 'oooh.. so exciting.. how come I never get this kinda attn?? DUH!'
Wenn thinks, 'Ok... just for the fun of it...'
Me said, 'Can you get the gentleman to settle our bill for us too?'
Wenn said, 'Ok... just for the fun of it...'
Me is evil and petty and likes to take advantage of any situation. Wenn is consistent, thought and words.
He's not going to make it. He failed the very first item on her list. He's only 18 years old. haha.. Auntie Wendy didn't like that.
He didn't offer to pick up our tab. Now, Auntie Jan didn't like that!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:55
She's going to make it.Not that I think anyone would have been bothered or too overly concerned, but the reason I've not been writing a lot these past few days is cos, I'm in love. HUH?
No, that's not the reason. It's cos I'm really tied with the project that I've been on since last term and that was also when my tummy starts to disagree with me ever so often. This library project is hazardous to my health.
It will be launched, hook or crook, this Friday.
The last lap here that I'm running (panting hard while at it) is how to launch it. Honestly, it's been a project that has been given too much attention. I mean, the attn it's receiving and the impact it's been expected to create is running non-parallel to its size and collection. Perhaps I got so lost in all this that I lost my clarity of thought, which is particularly important in this last lap.
Up till yesterday, I still didn't know what is going to happen and admit it, I'm not confident it will happen the way it should. I was not comfortable with the lack of in-depth discussion over it. I mean, duh! 1 CCA period and a 25 minutes walk to plan and organise an official opening, pooling ideals, expectations and reality together? If my team's effort had come this far, I really think this last lap deserved more real sitting down and real thinking, brainstorming and conceptualising.
Today, I sat down, put down my Iced Passion Tea, put up my hand and asked for help. From Bblics darling. I didn't think we would get far. I only wanted help in making balloons fly. That help didn't come, simply cos the physics of nature didn't allow it. But, what got brewed was an idea that made even more sense to me. A more brilliant idea. A more brilliant idea that spelled out exactly what I thought it should be done and how it can be done.
Truthfully, I'm surprised myself! How things fell into place over some really decent Garlic Prawn Pasta, Iced Passion Tea and Triple Chocolate Brownies at Coffee Club, Millenia Walk. The place has always been associated with positive thoughts, happy thoughts and fond remembering.
We went to Carrefour to buy cushions for the library. And all the jellies which would be used as door gifts. Then, to reward ourselves, rather, to reward her, we went for sushi.
Boss and small bosses may not like the idea. I may need to modify again. But, what the heck! When the focus is there, things will fall into place much easier. And, as far as I know, the focus is what you need to tell a convincing story that you are going to make it.
Friday. Make it or not, I'd be off to Bangkok by 1645h. heh. Will get a really nice visor for Bblics there, to thank her for her contribution. ^^
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:57
July 06, 2005
Crap.I'm only here to make a fast note about my opinion on FVB's blog, specifically her entries for these few days. It's crap.
FVB, your blog is crap.
It's not ambiguous. It's entirely incoherent. Talk to us, darling, talk to us! You losing it so fast? I knew the K was a bad idea. Shit...
p.s. you seem very upset or caught up with the decade-long relationship between me n Bblics. Don't you worry ok! I'm a loyal partner, even if it means I have to live like 48 hours a day on weekends. Duh. heh...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:26
July 05, 2005
Something about that fluidity.Kyn came back for the weekend. She's gone back to the place she loves better than here and yet, feels hollow in. Well, she's always been confused... and wilful. (haha.. now u got my answer...)
Courtesy of her parents, who we are guilty towards for robbing them of their time with their quirky-hair-do daughter, we found ourselves spending a night in Grand Copthorne Waterfront. The S.B.C night out. Erm, I must say Apple was really out that night. Knocked out.
Wine Bar was terrible, in spite of it being next to Zouk. Slow service, stifled music, no eye candies (according to Wenn and Kyn, since I was not really keen in candies of such)... the place simply had no character. But, then, there are very little watering holes in Singapore that has any character. So, I rest my case there.
Prata was a bit bland. But, that made it easier for me to digest too. Yet another thing Wenn and me could not agree on -- her preferred taste for Teh-C Po Po. Tasted like what teh might taste like if there ever was a ration of tea AND milk in Singapore, and an abundance of water.
But, it was there that we embarked on Kyn's 'thesis'. Amazing how she knows so many of those terms and, get this, can even explain them coherently. My fLen from Honk Konk... my fLen who decided she has a fluid orientation. Hey! Ditto here! But, can't say the same for our fLen whose mind was 'contaminated' with Yoghurt (What is it about HK English that Kyn tried so hard to pick up and in the end, got even more messed up?).
Let's get this straight, forgive the pun, Wenn is the S club, and we are the B club, can? Apple, due to substantial favourable evidence, is also in the S club. However, we can't conclude our case yet. Cos well... what's that thing about fluidity again?
I said it's a return of revelations. Wasn't I right? Return to our real sexuality.
xxx
The two 24H.Eve of departure (again). Kyn asked if there was a song that fully and aptly describes what she felt. Unwilling and not ready to go back, we dragged the night for as long as we did. Kudos to the Youth Day holiday, I threw time to the wind.
One moderator, 2 banana-lovers, 2 banana-haters. One fun-loving (OKA reckless) driver, 4 willing but disapproving passengers. One FB, one FVB, one BB, one QB and one new associate member (OKA the slut elsewhere).
Mustafa doesn't sell Chu Qian Yi Ding instant noodles. But, they sold Pooh Bear Sticko-lookalike, Meiji Yoghurt, Banana Nut Crunch ceral, Cocoa Crispies, and assorted flavours of Yakult. Corn rolls? No, no corn rolls.
We were so glad to have you back. We talked what we wanted to, we found out what we wanted to. We saw the Sammi Cheng in you (puked, wenn). We saw your life going up in the puffs you take first thing in the morning. We know K = Potassium = a mineral found in Bananas.
And, now, I only wanna say... your return next year has already been much anticipated.
Have fun, FVB. Do what you would, not like we can stop you. But, leave some life to come back soon so that we can finish off the version 2 of your thesis. Come back for my wedding. Muhahahah~~~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:31
What is the speed that blood flows?I'm back. To this blog space. Blogging from the staff room, my free period. Slightly sedated, no thanks to the little yellow pill I took yesterday night. The thing about flu medicine is, it works so well you need 9 hours to sleep off its effect. A luxury that I didn't have.
If my consciousness loses the battle and my head comes crashing down on my student's table while I was trying to give prompts, I will of course blame it on the medi. Half an hour more... to blog or to sleep?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:23